Copyright: 19 October 1994
Updated: 04/05/06
Dippy, My Dog
There is no way I could tell you all you don't want
to know about Dippy. Dippy is not your general run of dog. Dippy thinks he is
people. That is not too unusual when you figure my neighbor has a cat named
Woof who thinks he is a dog.
Well, Dippy sits on the front porch in the dark
hours of the morning waiting on the paper. When the paper thrower with perfect
aim flips the bad news under my pickup truck, Dippy crawls under there and
retrieves it, trots proudly up the steps, drops the paper in front of the door
and lays on it until old bleary eyes (me) opens the screen door to bring it in
and begin the day with tons of other people's troubles and a cup of coffee.
That sounds good, but it is partly a lie. Dippy sits
on the paper - true. But he doesn't give it up as easily as it sounds. First,
he must have his reward. If I have forgotten to bring his Dog Crunchy, I might
get my hand lightly crunched as I reach for the paper.
When I haven't forgotten his treat, I stand on the
front porch in my robe, say nice good morning things to him, pat him on the
head and throw the Crunchy in the yard.
But you know Woof (the cat who thinks he is a dog)
is lurking under the shrub. As Dippy leaps from the porch, Woof dashes from under
the bushes. In spite of Dippy's sixty pounds and fleetness of foot he never
seems to beat the cat. But he likes it that way.
Now he has both a cat and a Crunchy to chase. And
man does he chase. Bye and bye the cat will drop the purloined goodies and sit
under the brush. Dippy, frothing at the mouth, will pick out the same warm spot
next to the bush where Woof is lying and chew and chew. He considers this a
good start on the day. I wonder who I could chase and what I could chew on to
start my day off right?
Woof the Cat.
My neighbor's cat Woof really does think he is a
dog. Not only does he act a little bit like a dog, but he even gives his
interpretation of something which sounds like a bark. It comes out somewhat
like "muff, muff."
When the kids get home from school Woof is sitting
under a cactus plant in a neighbor's yard where the bus stops. There are six
kids who get off at that stop and Woof knows which ones like him and which ones
like to torment him.
As the kids cross the road in front of the bus Woof
will stalk out from under the cactus, fur all a fluff and standing on end. He
bounces toward them sideways on his toes, like he is trying to pick a fight.
Then he will "muff" at them.
When one of the tormentors takes the bait, Woof
takes off just out of reach until he gets in front of my place. Then he
"muffs" until Dippy starts chasing him and back through the pack of
kids he goes.
The kids who torment him are now faced with Woof and
a wildly charging Dippy. A big English Bulldog looks quite mean when he is in
full gallop, ears flopping and blowing foam at every breath. The kids now
become bowling pins until Woof comes to rest in the arms of his favorite little
girl who rubs his head and Woof the cat begins to sound like a motorboat.
I must now rush into the bathroom, shave, shower and
put on some respectable clothes because in about ten minutes the mothers of the
little tormentors will be knocking at the door.
I have been threatened, promised divine justice,
given that funny finger sign, and called many uncivilized names even to ridiculing
my mother. Once I was even called out to meet a daddy in the street. Lucky for
me, Dippy was out there on the porch and the daddy fled rapidly when I flipped
a Crunchy at his feet.
Last Week
Last week the police came to visit, mostly because
of Dippy's reputation among the children, a few of the parent's complaints, and
of course, his fierce looks. Sometimes I think Dippy really is people. He
walked out to meet the policeman, wagged his tail, gave a little bark, which
sounded more like Woof's "muff" and would you believe it? Dippy
licked the policeman's shoe. "What's his name?" he asked. "Does
he bite?"
"Dippy? No. He is such a teddy bear." I
lied. "What can I do for you, Officer?"
The policeman by this time is petting Dippy on the
head being careful to avoid the foam leaking from his mouth. And Dippy is
acting like the policeman has a Crunchy in his pocket. "Been getting a few
complaints about your dog. Is this your only dog? He doesn't seem especially
mean to me."
"Dippy never hurt anyone." I am getting
use to this lying business. "Some of the parents scare their children
saying Dippy will eat them alive. When Dippy sees the kids get off the bus he
runs out to meet them and they run off screaming." Notice I didn't mention
Woof's part in all this.
"One man says you sicced your dog on him."
"No. I didn't do that. The man was saying some
nasty things. When he stepped into the yard Dippy went out to meet him, I would
say friendly like. The man took off like Dippy was going to eat him alive. I
honestly don't know if Dippy would bite anyone or not. I don't think he ever
has. Now if someone tried to harm me I like to think he would come to my
defense."
"Your neighbor says your dog chases her
cat."
"He does. They play a lot together. Wait I will
show you." I got a Crunchy from the house and showed it to Dippy. He
foamed at the mouth, wagged, jerked around, barked and peed on the sidewalk. I
threw the Crunchy toward the bush Woof stays under. As certain as dawn follows
dark, Woof jumped out and beat Dippy to the Crunchy. They ripped and romped for
about five minutes while the policeman and I laughed ourselves silly. Finally,
as usual, Woof stopped under his bush. Dippy stopped next to him and they lay
down about two feet apart. Dippy picked up his crunchy and after salivating and
chewing on it, a piece broke off and Woof snaked it up and began chewing too.
After the policeman left, I took two Crunchies and
threw both of them out on the lawn. Woof grabbed one and Dippy grabbed the
other. They stood there for at least a minute just looking at each other.
Finally, Dippy dropped his Crunchy and Woof took off running like mad with a
happy Dippy, foaming at the mouth in hot pursuit.
The next morning when I went
out for the paper, Dippy was laying on it like always. I glanced out in the
yard and last night's Crunchy was still lying on the lawn.