Updated: 03/14/08
HEAVEN
Every religion has its
version of Heaven. Here we are mostly interested in the Christian version and
will explore the prospects of an eternity in that heavenly place. In random order,
we will examine some of the claims and you can decide if Heaven is the future
place for you. Now, if I do not get this right, you write and correct me at: dubious@speednet.com
Heaven is advertised to us by
its Public Relations Department as a perfect place. That is, everything is
perfect. If you are an inventor or a tinker, there is nothing on which to
improve, nothing to make better, nothing to fix. In short, there is nothing to
challenge the creative mind. No one could write better songs to sing or play.
No one could beat heavenly perfection in art or drama. There will be no room
for enterprising entrepreneurs to manufacture or sale new products. In other
words, if there is perfection, there is no room for improvement. Thus, creative
energy, vision, ambition and inspiration all become a non perfect commodity in
a perfect environment.
So, if there really is
perfection in Heaven then the “human desire” to create, improve and modify the
status quo must be eliminated in all the inhabitants of Heaven. Otherwise, the
saints would be unhappy since they cannot utilize their talents and abilities.
Here on earth, when the desire to create, improve and modify the status quo is not
a part of a person's mental attitude, that person is considered to be a dull,
zombie type of person. Sometimes they are also referred to as Christians who
are a perfect fit for perfection and the heavenly shoes. But then, who can
quarrel with perfection?
There is some hope for
fiction writers, especially science fiction writers. It seems that Jehovah
needs some help in fiction writing since he did such a poor job with his Holy
Book. In fact, he cannot even tell the same story twice without getting his
facts wrong. So there may also be an opening for a good researcher and a good
editor.
Oh, yes, you may have to
learn a new language since most people do not speak English. What will be the
heavenly language? Will it be like old Hebrew with no vowels? Will it be an
entirely different language like Adam and Eve spoke in the garden with God? How
could a God language develop unless there were other Gods with whom such a
language could be constructed? Well, some say we will only speak in our minds
and hear in our minds. Does that mean everyone will be able to read everybody
else’s mind? What would be considered an impure thought? Does Heaven have
“Thought Police” like we do in this country? If you are the government, it is a
good thing you can’t read my thoughts right now!
We are told the streets are
paved with gold. There is a great opportunity here for someone to invent and
sell (or distribute) sunglasses to cut the glare of the gold. Also, God is so
bright that one cannot look upon him without hurting their eyes or going blind.
I can just see everyone in Heaven with a pair of Lens Crafter’s dark glasses.
This maybe a new occupation in Heaven.
Will there be any holidays
in Heaven? Will everyday be a Sunday? Will it always be daytime? Will there be
any nights in Heaven? What will the Rednecks and our minorities do without a
Friday or Saturday night? I think I am getting confused here!
How about football,
baseball, basketball and such? Without these sports being available, what will
the Rednecks and the ignorant talk about? Of course, there is no golf for the
well heeled. There is no doubt in my mind that someone will dig out some holes
in the golden streets and proceed to knock some little balls of compressed
cloud stuff into them. Though there will be no NASCAR races, I am sure they
will build large bleachers and the denizens of Heaven will fill them and enjoy
themselves as much as if the cars were racing - as they do now. Rest assured,
someone will figure out how to take water from the River of Life, add some
leaves from the tree of life to it and ferment it. Now that will be a heavenly
brew.
How about the temperature in
Heaven? We know about what the temperature is in that place called Hell, but
what about Heaven? To me, 70 to 74 degrees is perfect but to an Eskimo, that is
hot. To the people who live in the torrid zones of earth, 72 degrees is
definitely cold. Who will regulate the thermostat in Heaven? Will there be need
for a weatherman to regulate the temperature? Will the citizens of Heaven vote
for the daily temperature? Will Heaven be divided into various temperature
areas so everyone will be satisfied? What temperature will be used for choir
practice where various people will congregate? Will we lose our sense of touch
and feel in Heaven to overcome this problem? If we did that it wouldn’t be us in
Heaven, would it?
Which brings up the
question, what will everyone wear in heaven? Will it be a white robe? Will we
wear underwear under the robe? Will the well-endowed ladies have their nipples
get hard when they rub against the robe? Can we see the outline of the nipples?
Will the men wear jockey shorts or briefs or nothing? Will the inhabitants of
heaven need to go to the toilet? Will there be a laundry service to keep the
robes clean? Will there be a Chinese Heaven close by to obtain the laundry workers?
Is it possible there is no need for clothes in a perfect heaven? Will Heaven be
a nudist colony like early Eden?
Will there be seasons in
Heaven? If not, will we not get tired of perfect spring weather? Will they use
Daylight Savings Time or Standard Time? If there is no night, how can we know
we are entering a new day (or month or year)? If there are no weather changes
in Heaven, what will they have to talk about? And speaking of talk, will gossip
be allowed in Heaven? If not, there are a lot of female people and some politicians
who will go insane trying to hold a juicy tidbit in tow.
Will there be insanity in
Heaven? Do you have to be insane or un-sane to get in? What will constitute
sanity in Heaven where only the unsane believers are enrolled? What constitutes
sanity here on earth? Let’s not go there.
Heaven is called the throne
of God and a river runs in front of the throne. Is this the River of Life, and
can we drink of the waters? Are there any fish in the river? If you catch a
fish with your hands, could you eat it if there is no appetite in a perfect
body? What will chefs do who have spent their life concocting new, delicious
and great dishes? Would it be a crime in Heaven if you caught a fish out of the
river and cooked it? Can there be a crime in a perfect place? What could it
possibly be? Does this mean that anything goes and is ok in heaven? Or, is all
temptation removed from this place? Without temptation, how could we
measure good or bad?
Will there be any chefs who
choose to go to Hell in place of Heaven so they can continue to design and cook
special meals?
In the book Matthew (19:21)
Jesus said if a man wanted to be perfect, he had to sell all he possessed and
give it to the poor and that man would have treasure in Heaven. Now what would
you do with treasure if you had it in Heaven? Couldn’t anyone break off a piece
of sidewalk and be rich? If you continued to be the same man in Heaven that you
were on earth, you would have to sell your heavenly treasure or give it to
those less fortunate. If you did not do so you would not be perfect, according
to Jesus. To whom could you sell or give the treasure in a place where there is
no ambition to accumulate wealth? Heaven is certainly confusing isn't it? How
could someone be less fortunate or more fortunate than others in a perfect
place?
In Heaven, there will be no
marriage or giving in marriage. Does that mean there is no sexual desire in
Heaven? Does it mean there is sexual desire and you can do what you want to do
with anyone that wants to do it with you? I for one prefer the latter to the
former if there are only those two to choose from. But what does it mean if
there is no sexual desire in Heaven? Will we all be neutered in Heaven? I
certainly could not substitute choir practice for sex. Is sexual desire just another
ambition and interest stripped from us when we enter the perfect Heaven? That
wouldn’t be us in Heaven would it?
Why do we conceive of heaven
as a place where all of the pleasures we enjoy here on earth will be absent in
heaven? Who made up this hell the Christians call Heaven?
There will be no sadness in
Heaven we are told. Now that is sad. If there is no sadness in Heaven then
happiness loses its luster and becomes common placed. Happiness is neutered and
stripped of its joy because there is nothing to make it valuable if you
eliminate sadness and disappointment. Sadness does have its virtue as does
rain. And this is for all eternity?
In Luke (20:36), we are told
those in heaven cannot die any more. Heaven is supposed to be eternal. But
there is some hope for you if you find yourself confined to Heaven. The Morning
Star (Lucifer, that other God Satan - the Devil) got really, really sick and
tired of the place. He did something to piss God off and God kicked him and
some other people (angels) out of Heaven and sent him and them to Earth. So
far, I have not read anything to indicate Lucifer is disappointed with the new
arrangement. Why, in a perfect place could someone be dissatisfied enough to
spit on the cape of Superman (God)?
Will there be an underground
society that preserves the true reasons Lucifer got kicked out of heaven? Will
people forfeit their future in Heaven and make rash promises so they may learn the
secret of how to piss God off so they too can get kicked out of Heaven and back
to earth?
Heaven is called a city. For
an old country boy there is no way I can conceive of a city as being a Heaven.
There needs to be sky and fields and gardens and trees and birds and animals
and fruits and vegetables and trails and hills and valleys and stars and sun
and rain and rivers and kids and pets and friends and partners and something to
drink and tobacco and even some other weeds to smoke.
Heaven is called a place of
rest. From what? I am told you do not get tired in Heaven. If Heaven were all
rest, you would certainly get tired of that. Rest from the work on Earth only
takes ten or so hours and anything more would be boring. How does one rest from
boredom in a place where there is only choir practice, singing and harp lessons
to keep one busy?
Heaven is supposed to be
full of many mansions. Are they all the same? Will Heaven be millions and
millions or row houses, all alike, all the same with no diversity? Will you
enter the wrong house by mistake? Will personal decorations of houses be
outlawed? Will you get a ticket for planting flowers? Will you be reprimanded
for adding a porch? Are all the mansions different? If different, does this not
indicate rank and favoritism? Can there be perfection if some are superior and
have more beautiful homes than others?
Is there no system to
elevate one's position? If there is, does this not mean competition, and does
competition not mean stress and laws to follow, and behinds to kiss? I am not
sure what you would call a brown nose in Heaven if they don’t eat or go to the
toilet.
Christians in Heaven are to
be rulers and judges, even of the angels. Will this not piss off the angels?
Or, is perfection just for some people and not for others? Are some more perfect than
others? Are we dealing with Heaven’s version of Animal Farm here?
Heaven is sometimes called a
spiritual place. If Heaven is only a spiritual place then the golden streets
and all the rest of the claims must be discarded along with a physical body. We
call the concept of intelligence in a non-physical body, "a ghost."
That would mean Heaven is a ghostly place inhabited by ghosts and angels
(higher ghosts) the Holy Ghost (a Higher Ghost) and God (The Highest Ghost). I
have never read about or heard about a happy ghost (Casper excluded). Ghosts
are always striving, demanding, threatening, scaring, trying to live and
experience life through mortals, and making mortals insane and making them do
strange things.
Maybe that is what religion
on earth really is. Maybe these super ghosts, who have been kicked out of the
perfection of Heaven, are trying to find happiness through our own bodies and
minds. The desires you have to enjoy life may just be a loose ghost trying to
find happiness and pleasure through you. Maybe you can really and honestly say,
“The Devil made me do it.”
No wonder there are so many
different religions. If you were bound up in Heaven for a long time, it is only
natural you would kick up your heels and try to feel good and have a good time
if you had a chance to get to earth. Are religions just the varied activities
of ghosts who have been freed from Heaven's boredom?
You can look out the window
of Heaven (Luke 16:22-26) and see Hell and the tormented people there. How
could anyone of a just and gentle nature look out the window toward Hell and
not be unhappy? Is this God's perfection and his perfect Heaven? Will God
shutter the windows of Heaven so one cannot observe the less fortunate of Hell?
Will we not still know they are there and greave for them – or envy them as the
case may be?
There is one part of Heaven
that is actively engaged in a type of work. That would be the Records and
Accounting Department that diligently rates, ranks, records and reviews the
deeds, thoughts, and beliefs of the people alive on earth. This will demand
some sort of Review Board, some kind of court, some research and auditing work.
Since good deeds can be done for bad reasons and bad deeds done for good
reasons there will need to be some sort of court system to make a just decision
on the case. This will, of course, demand advocates for the defense of the
accused, and a prosecutor for the State of Heaven. In other words, lawyers will
be needed.
Now where will these lawyers
come from since there will be none of this profession allowed in Heaven on a
permanent basis. All of them will be assigned to that other place called Hell?
Could there be a corporation in Hell called "Attorneys R Us" that
contracts lawyers out to do the dirty work of Heaven? Maybe the lawyers will
get a temporary green card or visa to work in Heaven. It’s a thought. Can they
apply for citizenship if they do a good job for a number of years? Will the
lawyers get paid? Will they have to pay taxes? Will there be taxes in heaven or
will they have to pay taxes to Hell for their earnings in Heaven? What does God
use for money?
Then there is the prayer and
claim of God’s Kingdom coming to earth and his Will being done on earth as it
is in Heaven. If this prayer has been answered then God must run a very
divisive and warlike Heaven. I certainly hope this prayer has not been answered
even though it has been prayed billions of times here on earth. Please stop
praying this pray! You may worry God so much he may decide to stop this
incessant and persistent praying by granting your wish. Please! Stop praying
that earth will experience the same things that are experienced in heaven. You
don’t deserve that.
This brings up the question
of, “Will prayer be allowed in Heaven?” Is not all prayer asking God to render
some favor to the believing prayer. Would it be perfection if God answered
these prayers and rendered special rewards to those who skipped choir practice
to pray? And what if he neglected those who did not pray because they were busy
singing and praising God instead of praying? I am having a hard time trying to
wrap my mind around the concept of prayer in Heaven.
Now, how about God? Will he
not repent that he has constructed such an impossible and despicable place as
Heaven? Does God not learn from his mistakes? Was God on drugs when he
conceived of Heaven? Let us imagine that God knows exactly what he is doing.
Why then did he make this kind of Heaven? Maybe Heaven is the punishment man
must endure in order to cure him of his obsession for religions and belief in
absurdities. Maybe God is still trying to prod man and to help man learn to
think. Maybe there are rules for Heaven about which we are not yet informed.
Maybe when an individual
gets a belly full of Heaven he will schedule a conference with God to discuss
the matter. It might go something like this.
“Well, Mr. Smith, what did you wish to see me about?”
“First, I would like to know
what your real name is. There is no god named God. What would you rather I call
you?”
“You can just call me,
Failure.”
”Failure? How could a God be
a failure?”
“How long have you been in
Heaven, Mr. Smith? Wait, I have it right here; five hundred years, seven
months, eight days, five hours, thirty-six minutes and twenty seconds – your
time.”
“What does that have to do
with anything?”
“You should have scheduled
an appoint with me within fifteen minutes of your arrival. You are five hundred
years, seven months, eight days, five hours and twenty-one minutes late. Now I
call that a failure on my part.”
“But, I thought you were
unapproachable. Besides, it was my failure to seek redress earlier, not yours.”
“Wrong, Mr. Smith. You were
a priest of the faith of Roman Christianity. You had the moon and the earth.
Any thinking person could see during an eclipse of the moon by the earth that
the shadow of the earth on the moon could only be made by a spherical body.
Even the light and shadow of the sun on the moon shows the moon to be
spherical. When your boats sail away from land, the mountains disappear from
the bottom up. Why did you not question these and other teachings of your
religion?”
“I was afraid.”
“And well you should have
been, millions were killed for debating the issues. So, you have finally gotten
up the courage to see me. What would you like to do?”
”I would like to leave this
place. I would like to go back to earth.”
“You know you cannot go back
with the conscious knowledge you have now. You will have to go back as a baby.
Since you have had the courage to see me, you may keep your knowledge in your
subconscious mind. Let’s see. Here is a Church of God minister; a good healthy wife
and she will deliver in six months and three days. You will be the first-born
and suffer a strict and stern father, but I am giving you a bit of extra
insight and a good sex drive. You will be a woman and will have every
opportunity to develop into an outstanding leader. Good luck and leave through
that pink door over there. And, Mr. Smith, don’t come up here again. Learn to
think and then I may not be the total failure I think I am. Heaven is only for
the nearly sane, for the not quite
sane. The sane do not apply for entrance nor do they ever darken the gates of
Heaven or come up here.”
Does anyone know a single
true fact about the place called Heaven? Many believe they have some true
facts. Where did they get their facts? From ancient leaders who believed they
had some true facts? They claimed God spoke to them (in their heads) in the
same manner, in which TV evangelists claim to hear from God in their heads.
Yet, none of them will tell you what God sounds like and with what accent he
speaks. They claim God speaks to their HEARTS. Hearts do not have ears. By
heart, they mean, "head." By head, they mean they "feel"
God spoke to them. By "feel" they mean they "believe" God
spoke to them. By believe they mean "I have this self-delusion" that
God spoke to me.
And that is what Heaven is.
Heaven is self-delusion.
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Thomas E. Blaylock
The Jovial Atheist
Copyright: 1998
Updated: 03/14/08