Updated: 06/2010
HEAVEN
Every religion has its version of Heaven.
Here we are mostly interested in the Christian version and will explore the
prospects of an eternity in that heavenly place. In random order, we will examine
some of the claims and you can decide if Heaven is the future place for you.
Now, if I do not get this right, you write and correct me at: me mailto:mailto:medubious@gmail.com
Heaven is advertised to us by its Public Relations
Department as a perfect place. That is, everything is perfect. If you are an
inventor or a tinker, there is nothing on which to improve, nothing to make
better, nothing to fix. In short, there is nothing to challenge the creative
mind. No one could write better songs to sing or play. No one could beat
heavenly perfection in art or drama. There will be no room for enterprising
entrepreneurs to manufacture or sale new products. In other words, if there is
perfection, there is no room for improvement. Thus, creative energy, vision,
ambition and inspiration all become a non perfect commodity in a perfect
environment.
So, if there really is perfection in Heaven
then the “human desire” to create, improve and modify the status quo must be
eliminated in all the inhabitants of Heaven. Residents of that place will be
happily robotic. Otherwise, the saints would be unhappy since they cannot
utilize their talents and abilities (if they have any). Here on earth, when the
desire to create, improve and modify the status quo is not a part of a
person's mental attitude, that person is considered to be a dull, zombie type
of person. Sometimes they are also referred to as Christians. They will be a
perfect fit for perfection and their heavenly shoes. But then, who can quarrel
with perfection?
There is some hope for fiction writers,
especially science fiction writers. It seems that Jehovah needs some help in
fiction writing since he did such a poor job with his Holy Book. In fact, he
cannot even tell the same story twice without getting his facts wrong. So there
may also be an opening for a good researcher and a good editor.
Oh, yes, you may have to learn a new language
since most people do not speak English. What will be the heavenly language?
Will it be like old Hebrew with no vowels? Will it be an entirely different
language like Adam and Eve spoke in the garden with God? How could a God
language develop unless there were other Gods with whom such a language could
be constructed? Well, some say we will only speak in our minds and hear in our
minds. Does that mean everyone will be able to read everybody else’s mind? What
would be considered an impure thought? Will Heaven have “Thought Police” like
we do in this country? If you are the government, it is a good thing you can’t read
my thoughts right now!
We are told the streets are paved with gold.
There is a great opportunity here for someone to invent and sell (or
distribute) sunglasses to cut the glare of the gold. Also, God is so bright
that one cannot look upon him without hurting their eyes or going blind. I can
just see everyone in Heaven with a pair of Lens Crafter’s dark glasses. This
may turn into a new occupation in Heaven.
Will there be any holidays in Heaven? Will
everyday be a Sunday? Will it always be daytime? Will there be any nights in
Heaven so we can see the wonderful stars? What will the Rednecks and our
minorities do without a Friday or Saturday night? I think I am getting confused
here!
How about football, baseball, basketball and
such? Without these sports being available, what will the Rednecks and the
ignorant talk about? Of course, there is no golf for the well heeled. There is
no doubt in my mind that someone will dig out some holes in the golden streets
and proceed to knock some little balls of compressed cloud stuff into them.
Though there will be no NASCAR races, I am sure they will build large bleachers
and the denizens of Heaven will fill them and enjoy themselves as much as if
the cars were racing - as they do now. Rest assured, someone will figure out
how to take water from the River of Life, add some leaves from the tree of life
to it and ferment it. Now that will be a heavenly brew.
How about the temperature in Heaven? We know
about what the temperature is in that place called Hell, but what about Heaven?
To me, 70 to 74 degrees is perfect but to an Eskimo, that is hot. To the people
who live in the torrid zones of earth, 72 degrees is definitely cold. Who will
regulate the thermostat in Heaven? Will there be need for a weatherman to
regulate the temperature? Will the citizens of Heaven vote for the daily
temperature? Will Heaven be divided into various temperature areas so everyone
will be satisfied? What temperature will be used for choir practice where
various types of people will congregate? Will we lose our sense of touch and
feel in Heaven to overcome this problem? If we did that it wouldn’t be us in
Heaven, would it?
Which brings up the question, what will
everyone wear in heaven? Will it be a white robe? Will we wear underwear under
the robe? Will the well-endowed ladies have their nipples get hard when they
rub against the robe? Can we see the outline of the nipples? Will the men wear
jockey shorts or briefs or nothing? Will the inhabitants of heaven need to go
to the toilet? Will there be a laundry service to keep the robes clean? Will
there be a Chinese Heaven close by to obtain the laundry workers? Is it
possible there is no need for clothes in a perfect heaven? Will Heaven be a
nudist colony like early Eden?
Will there be seasons in Heaven? If not, will
we not get tired of perfect spring weather? Will they use Daylight Savings Time
or Standard Time? If there is no night, how can we know we are entering a new
day (or month or year)? If there are no weather changes in Heaven, what will
they have to talk about? And speaking of talk, will gossip be allowed in
Heaven? If not, there are a lot of female people and some politicians who will
go insane trying to hold a juicy tidbit in tow.
Will there be insanity in Heaven? Do you have
to be insane or un-sane to get in? What will constitute sanity in Heaven where
only the unsane believers are enrolled? What constitutes sanity here on earth?
Let’s not go there.
Heaven is called the throne of God and a
river runs in front of the throne. Is this the River of Life, and can we drink
of the waters? Are there any fish in the river? If you catch a fish with your
hands, could you eat it if there is no appetite in a perfect body? What will
chefs do who have spent their life concocting new, delicious and great dishes?
Would it be a crime in Heaven if you caught a fish out of the river and cooked
it? Can there be a crime in a perfect place? What could it possibly be? Does
this mean that anything goes and is ok in heaven? Or, is all temptation removed
from this place? Without temptation, how could we measure good or bad?
Will there
be any chefs who choose to go to Hell in place of Heaven so they can continue
to design and cook special meals?
In the book Matthew (19:21) Jesus said if a
man wanted to be perfect, he had to sell all he possessed and give it to the
poor and that man would then have treasure in Heaven. Now what would you do
with treasure if you had it in Heaven? Couldn’t anyone break off a piece of
sidewalk and be rich? If you continued to be the same man in Heaven that you
were on earth, you would have to sell your heavenly treasure or give it to
those less fortunate. If you did not do so you would not be perfect, according
to Jesus. To whom could you sell or give the treasure in a place where there is
no ambition to accumulate wealth? Heaven is certainly confusing isn't it? How
could someone be less fortunate or more fortunate than others in a perfect
place?
In Heaven, there will be no marriage or
giving in marriage. Does that mean there is no sexual desire in Heaven? Does it
mean there is sexual desire and you can do what you want to do with anyone that
wants to do it with you? I for one prefer the latter to the former if there are
only those two to choose from. But what does it mean if there is no sexual
desire in Heaven? Will we all be neutered in Heaven? I certainly could not
substitute choir practice for sex. Is sexual desire just another ambition and
interest stripped from us when we enter the perfect Heaven? That wouldn’t be us
in Heaven would it?
Why do we
conceive of heaven as a place where all of the pleasures we enjoy here on earth
will be absent in heaven? Who made up this hell the Christians call Heaven
anyway?
There will be no sadness in Heaven we are
told. Now that is sad. If there is no sadness in Heaven then happiness loses
its luster and becomes common placed. Happiness is neutered and stripped of its
joy because there is nothing to make it valuable if you eliminate sadness and
disappointment. Sadness does have its virtue as does rain. And this is for all
eternity?
In Luke (20:36), we are told those in heaven
cannot die any more. Heaven is supposed to be eternal. But there is some hope
for you if you find yourself confined to Heaven. The Morning Star (Lucifer,
that other God Satan - the Devil) got really, really sick and tired of the
place. He did something to piss God off and God kicked him and some other
people (angels) out of Heaven and sent him and them to Earth. So far, I have
not read anything to indicate Lucifer is disappointed with the new arrangement.
Why, in a perfect place could someone be dissatisfied enough to spit on the
cape of Superman (God)?
Will there be an underground society that
preserves the true reasons Lucifer got kicked out of heaven? Will people
forfeit their future in Heaven and make rash promises so they may learn
the secret of how to piss God off so they too can get kicked out of Heaven and
back to earth?
Heaven is called a city. For an old country
boy there is no way I can conceive of a city as being a Heaven. There needs to be
sky and fields and gardens and trees and birds and animals and fruits and
vegetables and trails and hills and valleys and stars and sun and rain and
rivers and kids and pets and friends and partners and something to drink and
tobacco and even some other weeds to smoke.
Heaven is called a place of rest. From what?
I am told you do not get tired in Heaven. If Heaven were all rest, you would
certainly get tired of that. Rest from the work on Earth only takes ten or so
hours and anything more would be boring. How does one rest from boredom in a
place where there is only choir practice, singing and harp lessons to keep one
busy?
Heaven is supposed to be full of many
mansions. Are they all the same? Will Heaven be millions and millions of
marvelous row houses, all alike, all the same with no diversity? Will you enter
the wrong house by mistake? Will personal decorations of houses be outlawed?
Will you get a ticket for planting flowers? Will you be reprimanded for adding
a porch? Are all the mansions different? If different, does this not indicate
rank and favoritism? Can there be perfection if some are superior and have more
beautiful homes than others?
Is there no system to elevate one's position?
If there is, does this not mean competition, and does competition not mean
stress and laws to follow, and behinds to kiss? I am not sure what you would
call a brown nose in Heaven if they don’t eat or go to the toilet.
Christians in Heaven are to be rulers and judges,
even of the angels. Will this not piss off the angels? Or, is perfection just
for some people and not for others? Are some more perfect than others?
Are we dealing with Heaven’s version of Animal Farm here?
Heaven is sometimes called a spiritual place.
If Heaven is only a spiritual place then the golden streets and all the rest of
the claims must be discarded along with a physical body. We call the concept of
intelligence in a non-physical body, "a ghost." That would mean
Heaven is a ghostly place inhabited by ghosts and angels (higher ghosts) the
Holy Ghost (a still Higher Ghost) and God (The Highest Ghost). I have never
read about or heard about a happy ghost (Casper excluded). Ghosts are always
striving, demanding, threatening, scaring, trying to live and experience life
through mortals, and making mortals insane and making them do strange things.
Maybe that is what religion on earth really
is. Maybe these super ghosts, who have been kicked out of the perfection of
Heaven, are trying to find happiness through our own bodies and minds. The
desires you have to enjoy life may just be a loose ghost trying to find
happiness and pleasure through you. Maybe you can really and honestly say, “The
Devil made me do it.”
No wonder there is so many different religions.
If you were bound up in Heaven for a long time, it is only natural you would
kick up your heels and try to feel good and have a good time if you had a
chance to get back to earth. Are religions just the varied activities of ghosts
who have been freed from Heaven's perfection and boredom?
You can look out the window of Heaven (Luke
16:22-26) and see Hell and the tormented people there. How could anyone of a
just and gentle nature look out the window toward Hell and not be unhappy? Is
this God's perfection and his perfect Heaven? Will God shutter the windows of
Heaven so one cannot observe the less fortunate of Hell? Will we not still know
they are there and greave for them – or envy them as the case may be?
There is one part of Heaven that is actively
engaged in a type of work. That would be the Records and Accounting Department
that diligently rates, ranks, records and reviews the deeds, thoughts, and
beliefs of the people alive on earth. This will demand some sort of Review
Board, some kind of court, some research and auditing work. Since good deeds
can be done for bad reasons and bad deeds done for good reasons there will need
to be some sort of court system to make a just decision on the case. This will,
of course, demand advocates for the defense of the accused, and a prosecutor
for the State of Heaven. In other words, lawyers will be needed.
Now where will these lawyers come from since
there will be none of this profession allowed in Heaven on a permanent basis.
All of them will be assigned to that other place called Hell? Could there be a
corporation in Hell called "Attorneys R Us" that contracts lawyers
out to do the dirty work of Heaven? Maybe the lawyers will get a temporary
green card or visa to work in Heaven. It’s a thought. Can they apply for citizenship
if they do a good job for a number of years? Will the lawyers get paid? Will
they have to pay taxes? Will there be taxes in heaven or will they have to pay
taxes to Hell for their earnings in Heaven? What does God use for money, reward
and compensation?
Then there is the prayer and claim of God’s
Kingdom coming to earth and his Will being done on earth as it is in Heaven. If
this prayer has been answered then God must run a very divisive and warlike
Heaven. I certainly hope this prayer has not been answered even though it has
been prayed billions of times here on earth. Please stop praying this pray! You
may worry God so much he may decide to stop this incessant and persistent
praying by granting your wish. Please! Stop praying that earth will experience
the same things that are experienced in heaven. You don’t deserve that.
This brings up the question of, “Will prayer
be allowed in Heaven?” Is not all prayer asking God to render some favor to the
believing prayer. Would it be perfection if God answered these prayers and
rendered special rewards to those who skipped choir practice to pray? And what
if he neglected those who did not pray because they were busy singing and
praising God instead of praying? I am having a hard time trying to wrap my mind
around the concept of prayer in Heaven.
Now, how about God? Will he not repent that
he has constructed such an impossible and despicable place as Heaven? Does God
not learn from his mistakes? Was God on drugs when he conceived of Heaven? Let
us imagine that God knows exactly what he is doing. Why then did he make this
kind of Heaven? Maybe Heaven is the punishment man must endure in order to cure
him of his obsession for religions and belief in absurdities. Maybe God is
still trying to prod man and to help man learn to think. Maybe there are rules
for Heaven about which we are not yet informed.
Maybe when an individual gets a belly full of
Heaven he will schedule a conference with God to discuss the matter. It might
go something like this.
“Well, Mr. Smith, what did you wish to see me about?”
“First, I would like to know what your real
name is. There is no god named God. What would you rather I call you?”
“You can just call me, Failure.”
”Failure? How could a God be a failure?”
“How long have you been in Heaven, Mr. Smith?
Wait, I have it right here; five hundred years, seven months, eight days, five
hours, thirty-six minutes and twenty seconds – your time.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“You should have scheduled an appoint with me
within fifteen minutes of your arrival. You are five hundred years, seven
months, eight days, five hours and twenty-one minutes late. Now I call that a
failure on my part.”
“But, I thought you were unapproachable.
Besides, it was my failure to seek redress earlier, not yours.”
“Wrong, Mr. Smith. You were a priest of the
faith of Roman Christianity. You had the moon and the earth. Any thinking
person could see during an eclipse of the moon by the earth that the shadow of
the earth on the moon could only be made by a spherical body. Even the light
and shadow of the sun on the moon shows the moon to be spherical. When your
boats sail away from land, the mountains disappear from the bottom up. Why did
you not question these and other teachings of your religion?”
“I was afraid.”
“And well you should have been. Millions were
killed for debating these issues. So, you have finally gotten up the courage to
see me. What would you like to do?”
”I would like to leave this place. I would
like to go back to earth.”
“You know you cannot go back with the
conscious knowledge you have now. You will have to go back as a baby. Since you
have had the courage to see me, you may keep your knowledge in your
subconscious mind. Let’s see. Here is a Church of God minister; a good healthy
wife and she will deliver in six months and three days. You will be the
first-born and suffer a strict and stern father, but I am giving you a bit of
extra insight and a good sex drive. You will be a woman and will have every
opportunity to develop into an outstanding leader. Good luck and leave through
that pink door over there. And, Mr. Smith, don’t come up here again. Learn to
think and then I may not be the total failure I think I am. Heaven is only for
the nearly sane, for the not quite sane. The sane do not apply for entrance nor
do they ever darken the gates of Heaven or come up here.”
Does anyone know a single true fact about the
place called Heaven? Many believe they have some true facts. Where did they get
their facts? From ancient leaders who believed they had some true facts? They
claimed God spoke to them (in their heads) in the same manner, in which TV
evangelists claim to hear from God in their heads. Yet, none of them will tell
you what God sounds like and with what accent he speaks. They claim God speaks
to their HEARTS. Hearts do not have ears. By heart, they mean,
"head." By head, they mean they "feel" God spoke to them.
By "feel" they mean they "believe" God spoke to them. By
believe they mean "I have this self-delusion" that God spoke to me.
And that is what Heaven is. Heaven is
self-delusion.
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Thomas E. Blaylock
The Jovial Atheist
Copyright: 1998
Updated: 06/2010