Updated: 03/14/08
 

HEAVEN

Every religion has its version of Heaven. Here we are mostly interested in the Christian version and will explore the prospects of an eternity in that heavenly place. In random order, we will examine some of the claims and you can decide if Heaven is the future place for you. Now, if I do not get this right, you write and correct me at: dubious@speednet.com

Heaven is advertised to us by its Public Relations Department as a perfect place. That is, everything is perfect. If you are an inventor or a tinker, there is nothing on which to improve, nothing to make better, nothing to fix. In short, there is nothing to challenge the creative mind. No one could write better songs to sing or play. No one could beat heavenly perfection in art or drama. There will be no room for enterprising entrepreneurs to manufacture or sale new products. In other words, if there is perfection, there is no room for improvement. Thus, creative energy, vision, ambition and inspiration all become a non perfect commodity in a perfect environment.

So, if there really is perfection in Heaven then the “human desire” to create, improve and modify the status quo must be eliminated in all the inhabitants of Heaven. Otherwise, the saints would be unhappy since they cannot utilize their talents and abilities. Here on earth, when the desire to create, improve and modify the status quo is not a part of a person's mental attitude, that person is considered to be a dull, zombie type of person. Sometimes they are also referred to as Christians who are a perfect fit for perfection and the heavenly shoes. But then, who can quarrel with perfection?

There is some hope for fiction writers, especially science fiction writers. It seems that Jehovah needs some help in fiction writing since he did such a poor job with his Holy Book. In fact, he cannot even tell the same story twice without getting his facts wrong. So there may also be an opening for a good researcher and a good editor.

Oh, yes, you may have to learn a new language since most people do not speak English. What will be the heavenly language? Will it be like old Hebrew with no vowels? Will it be an entirely different language like Adam and Eve spoke in the garden with God? How could a God language develop unless there were other Gods with whom such a language could be constructed? Well, some say we will only speak in our minds and hear in our minds. Does that mean everyone will be able to read everybody else’s mind? What would be considered an impure thought? Does Heaven have “Thought Police” like we do in this country? If you are the government, it is a good thing you can’t read my thoughts right now!

We are told the streets are paved with gold. There is a great opportunity here for someone to invent and sell (or distribute) sunglasses to cut the glare of the gold. Also, God is so bright that one cannot look upon him without hurting their eyes or going blind. I can just see everyone in Heaven with a pair of Lens Crafter’s dark glasses. This maybe a new occupation in Heaven.

Will there be any holidays in Heaven? Will everyday be a Sunday? Will it always be daytime? Will there be any nights in Heaven? What will the Rednecks and our minorities do without a Friday or Saturday night? I think I am getting confused here!

How about football, baseball, basketball and such? Without these sports being available, what will the Rednecks and the ignorant talk about? Of course, there is no golf for the well heeled. There is no doubt in my mind that someone will dig out some holes in the golden streets and proceed to knock some little balls of compressed cloud stuff into them. Though there will be no NASCAR races, I am sure they will build large bleachers and the denizens of Heaven will fill them and enjoy themselves as much as if the cars were racing - as they do now. Rest assured, someone will figure out how to take water from the River of Life, add some leaves from the tree of life to it and ferment it. Now that will be a heavenly brew.

How about the temperature in Heaven? We know about what the temperature is in that place called Hell, but what about Heaven? To me, 70 to 74 degrees is perfect but to an Eskimo, that is hot. To the people who live in the torrid zones of earth, 72 degrees is definitely cold. Who will regulate the thermostat in Heaven? Will there be need for a weatherman to regulate the temperature? Will the citizens of Heaven vote for the daily temperature? Will Heaven be divided into various temperature areas so everyone will be satisfied? What temperature will be used for choir practice where various people will congregate? Will we lose our sense of touch and feel in Heaven to overcome this problem? If we did that it wouldn’t be us in Heaven, would it?

Which brings up the question, what will everyone wear in heaven? Will it be a white robe? Will we wear underwear under the robe? Will the well-endowed ladies have their nipples get hard when they rub against the robe? Can we see the outline of the nipples? Will the men wear jockey shorts or briefs or nothing? Will the inhabitants of heaven need to go to the toilet? Will there be a laundry service to keep the robes clean? Will there be a Chinese Heaven close by to obtain the laundry workers? Is it possible there is no need for clothes in a perfect heaven? Will Heaven be a nudist colony like early Eden?

Will there be seasons in Heaven? If not, will we not get tired of perfect spring weather? Will they use Daylight Savings Time or Standard Time? If there is no night, how can we know we are entering a new day (or month or year)? If there are no weather changes in Heaven, what will they have to talk about? And speaking of talk, will gossip be allowed in Heaven? If not, there are a lot of female people and some politicians who will go insane trying to hold a juicy tidbit in tow.

Will there be insanity in Heaven? Do you have to be insane or un-sane to get in? What will constitute sanity in Heaven where only the unsane believers are enrolled? What constitutes sanity here on earth? Let’s not go there.

Heaven is called the throne of God and a river runs in front of the throne. Is this the River of Life, and can we drink of the waters? Are there any fish in the river? If you catch a fish with your hands, could you eat it if there is no appetite in a perfect body? What will chefs do who have spent their life concocting new, delicious and great dishes? Would it be a crime in Heaven if you caught a fish out of the river and cooked it? Can there be a crime in a perfect place? What could it possibly be? Does this mean that anything goes and is ok in heaven? Or, is all temptation removed from this place? Without temptation, how could we measure good or bad?

Will there be any chefs who choose to go to Hell in place of Heaven so they can continue to design and cook special meals?

In the book Matthew (19:21) Jesus said if a man wanted to be perfect, he had to sell all he possessed and give it to the poor and that man would have treasure in Heaven. Now what would you do with treasure if you had it in Heaven? Couldn’t anyone break off a piece of sidewalk and be rich? If you continued to be the same man in Heaven that you were on earth, you would have to sell your heavenly treasure or give it to those less fortunate. If you did not do so you would not be perfect, according to Jesus. To whom could you sell or give the treasure in a place where there is no ambition to accumulate wealth? Heaven is certainly confusing isn't it? How could someone be less fortunate or more fortunate than others in a perfect place?

In Heaven, there will be no marriage or giving in marriage. Does that mean there is no sexual desire in Heaven? Does it mean there is sexual desire and you can do what you want to do with anyone that wants to do it with you? I for one prefer the latter to the former if there are only those two to choose from. But what does it mean if there is no sexual desire in Heaven? Will we all be neutered in Heaven? I certainly could not substitute choir practice for sex. Is sexual desire just another ambition and interest stripped from us when we enter the perfect Heaven? That wouldn’t be us in Heaven would it?

Why do we conceive of heaven as a place where all of the pleasures we enjoy here on earth will be absent in heaven? Who made up this hell the Christians call Heaven?

There will be no sadness in Heaven we are told. Now that is sad. If there is no sadness in Heaven then happiness loses its luster and becomes common placed. Happiness is neutered and stripped of its joy because there is nothing to make it valuable if you eliminate sadness and disappointment. Sadness does have its virtue as does rain. And this is for all eternity?

In Luke (20:36), we are told those in heaven cannot die any more. Heaven is supposed to be eternal. But there is some hope for you if you find yourself confined to Heaven. The Morning Star (Lucifer, that other God Satan - the Devil) got really, really sick and tired of the place. He did something to piss God off and God kicked him and some other people (angels) out of Heaven and sent him and them to Earth. So far, I have not read anything to indicate Lucifer is disappointed with the new arrangement. Why, in a perfect place could someone be dissatisfied enough to spit on the cape of Superman (God)?

Will there be an underground society that preserves the true reasons Lucifer got kicked out of heaven? Will people forfeit their future in Heaven and make rash promises so they may learn the secret of how to piss God off so they too can get kicked out of Heaven and back to earth?

Heaven is called a city. For an old country boy there is no way I can conceive of a city as being a Heaven. There needs to be sky and fields and gardens and trees and birds and animals and fruits and vegetables and trails and hills and valleys and stars and sun and rain and rivers and kids and pets and friends and partners and something to drink and tobacco and even some other weeds to smoke.

Heaven is called a place of rest. From what? I am told you do not get tired in Heaven. If Heaven were all rest, you would certainly get tired of that. Rest from the work on Earth only takes ten or so hours and anything more would be boring. How does one rest from boredom in a place where there is only choir practice, singing and harp lessons to keep one busy?

Heaven is supposed to be full of many mansions. Are they all the same? Will Heaven be millions and millions or row houses, all alike, all the same with no diversity? Will you enter the wrong house by mistake? Will personal decorations of houses be outlawed? Will you get a ticket for planting flowers? Will you be reprimanded for adding a porch? Are all the mansions different? If different, does this not indicate rank and favoritism? Can there be perfection if some are superior and have more beautiful homes than others?

Is there no system to elevate one's position? If there is, does this not mean competition, and does competition not mean stress and laws to follow, and behinds to kiss? I am not sure what you would call a brown nose in Heaven if they don’t eat or go to the toilet.

Christians in Heaven are to be rulers and judges, even of the angels. Will this not piss off the angels? Or, is perfection just for some people and not for others? Are some more perfect than others? Are we dealing with Heaven’s version of Animal Farm here?

Heaven is sometimes called a spiritual place. If Heaven is only a spiritual place then the golden streets and all the rest of the claims must be discarded along with a physical body. We call the concept of intelligence in a non-physical body, "a ghost." That would mean Heaven is a ghostly place inhabited by ghosts and angels (higher ghosts) the Holy Ghost (a Higher Ghost) and God (The Highest Ghost). I have never read about or heard about a happy ghost (Casper excluded). Ghosts are always striving, demanding, threatening, scaring, trying to live and experience life through mortals, and making mortals insane and making them do strange things.

Maybe that is what religion on earth really is. Maybe these super ghosts, who have been kicked out of the perfection of Heaven, are trying to find happiness through our own bodies and minds. The desires you have to enjoy life may just be a loose ghost trying to find happiness and pleasure through you. Maybe you can really and honestly say, “The Devil made me do it.”

No wonder there are so many different religions. If you were bound up in Heaven for a long time, it is only natural you would kick up your heels and try to feel good and have a good time if you had a chance to get to earth. Are religions just the varied activities of ghosts who have been freed from Heaven's boredom?

You can look out the window of Heaven (Luke 16:22-26) and see Hell and the tormented people there. How could anyone of a just and gentle nature look out the window toward Hell and not be unhappy? Is this God's perfection and his perfect Heaven? Will God shutter the windows of Heaven so one cannot observe the less fortunate of Hell? Will we not still know they are there and greave for them – or envy them as the case may be?

There is one part of Heaven that is actively engaged in a type of work. That would be the Records and Accounting Department that diligently rates, ranks, records and reviews the deeds, thoughts, and beliefs of the people alive on earth. This will demand some sort of Review Board, some kind of court, some research and auditing work. Since good deeds can be done for bad reasons and bad deeds done for good reasons there will need to be some sort of court system to make a just decision on the case. This will, of course, demand advocates for the defense of the accused, and a prosecutor for the State of Heaven. In other words, lawyers will be needed.

Now where will these lawyers come from since there will be none of this profession allowed in Heaven on a permanent basis. All of them will be assigned to that other place called Hell? Could there be a corporation in Hell called "Attorneys R Us" that contracts lawyers out to do the dirty work of Heaven? Maybe the lawyers will get a temporary green card or visa to work in Heaven. It’s a thought. Can they apply for citizenship if they do a good job for a number of years? Will the lawyers get paid? Will they have to pay taxes? Will there be taxes in heaven or will they have to pay taxes to Hell for their earnings in Heaven? What does God use for money?

Then there is the prayer and claim of God’s Kingdom coming to earth and his Will being done on earth as it is in Heaven. If this prayer has been answered then God must run a very divisive and warlike Heaven. I certainly hope this prayer has not been answered even though it has been prayed billions of times here on earth. Please stop praying this pray! You may worry God so much he may decide to stop this incessant and persistent praying by granting your wish. Please! Stop praying that earth will experience the same things that are experienced in heaven. You don’t deserve that.

This brings up the question of, “Will prayer be allowed in Heaven?” Is not all prayer asking God to render some favor to the believing prayer. Would it be perfection if God answered these prayers and rendered special rewards to those who skipped choir practice to pray? And what if he neglected those who did not pray because they were busy singing and praising God instead of praying? I am having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around the concept of prayer in Heaven.

Now, how about God? Will he not repent that he has constructed such an impossible and despicable place as Heaven? Does God not learn from his mistakes? Was God on drugs when he conceived of Heaven? Let us imagine that God knows exactly what he is doing. Why then did he make this kind of Heaven? Maybe Heaven is the punishment man must endure in order to cure him of his obsession for religions and belief in absurdities. Maybe God is still trying to prod man and to help man learn to think. Maybe there are rules for Heaven about which we are not yet informed.

Maybe when an individual gets a belly full of Heaven he will schedule a conference with God to discuss the matter. It might go something like this.

 “Well, Mr. Smith, what did you wish to see me about?”

“First, I would like to know what your real name is. There is no god named God. What would you rather I call you?”

“You can just call me, Failure.”

”Failure? How could a God be a failure?”

“How long have you been in Heaven, Mr. Smith? Wait, I have it right here; five hundred years, seven months, eight days, five hours, thirty-six minutes and twenty seconds – your time.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“You should have scheduled an appoint with me within fifteen minutes of your arrival. You are five hundred years, seven months, eight days, five hours and twenty-one minutes late. Now I call that a failure on my part.”

“But, I thought you were unapproachable. Besides, it was my failure to seek redress earlier, not yours.”

“Wrong, Mr. Smith. You were a priest of the faith of Roman Christianity. You had the moon and the earth. Any thinking person could see during an eclipse of the moon by the earth that the shadow of the earth on the moon could only be made by a spherical body. Even the light and shadow of the sun on the moon shows the moon to be spherical. When your boats sail away from land, the mountains disappear from the bottom up. Why did you not question these and other teachings of your religion?”

“I was afraid.”

“And well you should have been, millions were killed for debating the issues. So, you have finally gotten up the courage to see me. What would you like to do?”

”I would like to leave this place. I would like to go back to earth.”

“You know you cannot go back with the conscious knowledge you have now. You will have to go back as a baby. Since you have had the courage to see me, you may keep your knowledge in your subconscious mind. Let’s see. Here is a Church of God minister; a good healthy wife and she will deliver in six months and three days. You will be the first-born and suffer a strict and stern father, but I am giving you a bit of extra insight and a good sex drive. You will be a woman and will have every opportunity to develop into an outstanding leader. Good luck and leave through that pink door over there. And, Mr. Smith, don’t come up here again. Learn to think and then I may not be the total failure I think I am. Heaven is only for the nearly sane,  for the not quite sane. The sane do not apply for entrance nor do they ever darken the gates of Heaven or come up here.”

Does anyone know a single true fact about the place called Heaven? Many believe they have some true facts. Where did they get their facts? From ancient leaders who believed they had some true facts? They claimed God spoke to them (in their heads) in the same manner, in which TV evangelists claim to hear from God in their heads. Yet, none of them will tell you what God sounds like and with what accent he speaks. They claim God speaks to their HEARTS. Hearts do not have ears. By heart, they mean, "head." By head, they mean they "feel" God spoke to them. By "feel" they mean they "believe" God spoke to them. By believe they mean "I have this self-delusion" that God spoke to me.

And that is what Heaven is. Heaven is self-delusion.

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Thomas E. Blaylock

The Jovial Atheist

mailto:dubious@speednet.com

Copyright: 1998

Updated: 03/14/08

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